You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
To be the best person I can be, my boss would expect me to behave a certain way, wouldn’t she? In order to keep my inner circle of customers returning to me (code for family and friends), in order to keep them in my life, I would have to offer consistent service, behavior, quality of product. (me being the product). You can see where I am going here. They would have to trust me to be consistent. Not a raving lunatic that spins out of control whenever stressed. I would have to be the person that brings out the best in them. The person that shines a light on the best in them for all the world to see. That’s a great boss!
Training videos will be coming soon.
“Whose problem is it anyway?”
“What does Raising Dogs and Kids have in common?”
Lately I have been volunteering at the local animal shelter training homeless dogs. The hope is that once they are better behaved they will be more lovable and become adopted into their forever home. Hmmmm….as parents we could learn something here. Better manners? more lovable? Who doesn’t want that?
The simple trick is to ignore the behavior you don’t want (silence is gold here. To a dog…quiet means ‘NO’) and reward the behavior you want to see more of. (okay so dogs like food and kids like praise). Sounds simple right? Well, timing is everything with dogs, so the trainer has to be very focused and consistent. It’s the same with children. Let’s break it down.
1. Create a conscious vision…I mean really stop and think about it. What do you want your child to be like? What manners, what behaviors, what kind of a citizen do you want him to grow into? Talk about it with your parental partner if you have one. Get on the same page.
2. Train…chunk it down into little baby steps. Catch them doing or getting close to doing what you want. Look for it. (probably the hardest part). This is hard because when they are doing what we want them to we rarely notice. It’s only when they are driving us nuts that we seem to engage. Our parents taught us that. So catch them being good and reward it.
3. Be consistent. You get what you focus on. Focus on good, get more good. Focus on bad, get more bad. It’s just that simple.
Train yourself and your kids will be awesome!
the coach
“Did I Just Say That?”
A good place to start is to not engage. I know easier said than done. In that moment of decision, you need to take a breath and make a new choice. You need a trigger phrase to keep you in your cortex. (you know the thinking part of your brain, rather than reaction mode). I would suggest saying something totally unpredictable like, “I love you too much to argue.”
You’ll probably need to say it over and over again…so much that you will be sick of it but…the message here is hey kid…I’m not going there anymore. And that is the first step toward sanity. Hang tough and don’t cave…
Peer Pressure…Did We Create It?”
So when you throw up your hands in frustration about when your kid hits eleven or twelve years old, saying, “she used to listen to me & now she doesn’t. She sure has changed.” Wrong, she hasn’t changed, she is still listening to an outer voice, it’s just not ours.
So, what do we do? The first thing is to prepare for this early on. Start early in training them to listen to their own voice, the one in their own head. How do we do this? Give them choices on little things. Orange juice or apple juice? Tennis shoes or sandals? They slowly gain wisdom by experiencing the consequences of their decisions. If she chose sandals and her feet were cold, she may think to choose tennis shoes next time. (of course only give choices that you can live with). It also trains us to ask questions rather than bark orders. The less we tell them to do and instead ask them questions and discuss issues (keeping them in their thinking brain – cortex) the less they’ll be negatively influenced by peers later on. Let’s be honest, peer pressure will always be there. It’s a strong force. Every kid wants to be liked and accepted. But, I think if they like and accept themselves first, and can think for themselves then they have a fighting chance.
Two Words To Make This A Great New Year!
What if TWO words could dramatically increase your happiness and success?
Muhammad Ali is credited with the shortest poem in the English language. When he was giving one of his inspirational speeches to a graduating university class, one of the students yelled out, “give us a poem.” Ali looked out and simply said, “Me, We.” Ali didn’t elaborate on the meaning but these two simple words hold the key to a greater life.
These words have a range of meaning that you and I can apply directly in our life to increase our success and happiness. If we understand the wisdom of “ME WE, our lives can change dramatically.
First let’s look at the word WE. To be truly happy and fulfilled we have to give to others. This is the first step in having a life purpose – the ability to serve others by giving our gift. Doing what we were born to do. Abraham Maslow said, “You were all born with music playing inside you and your job is to get the music out before you die.”
However to truly give our gift we need to be in touch with the first part of the poem – ME. To give our gift we need to know who we are and we need to be full.
This New Year’s take a moment to examine your life. Do you feel full? Do you have a vision that pulls you forward? Do you have good self care practices that you are committed to each day? OR….are you like most Moms…last in line?
Make this year the year that you become the leader in your family. Leaders go first. Take care of yourself FIRST. Commit to a healthier, happier, ‘ME’ and only then can you dramatically increase the happiness of the ‘WE’.
“It’s the Holidaze… yippee!”
So how does this relate to your kid? Bear with me…I will get to a parenting point fairly soon. You see, I was at a party the other night and a new Mom asked me how she should deal with the fact that stores were sold out of the toy her daughter wanted. (her daughter is four). She was actually freaked out about the anticipation of her daughter’s disappointment. Really? I asked her what are you setting her up for by giving her everything she wants?
A parent should never give their child everything they want. As they get older there is the peer pressure to wear the cool clothes, drive the sweet car, etc. etc. etc. It doesn’t end. Basically, they will always want the best because there are parents who buy their children everything they ask for and make it tough for the rest of us. But…here’s the life lesson. I suggest you buy your child what you can afford (provided they deserve it) and if they want something better then they can pay the difference. This is how we inspire them to be creative little entrepreneurs. By doing this we instill the belief in them that they can be productive citizens and their efforts can be rewarded if they want something bad enough. By doing this…we are telling them that they are capable and that we believe in them. Isn’t that a great gift?